42: Personal Growth and Choosing Me

For the past few birthdays, I haven’t really wanted to do anything. I don’t know if it was my depression, my ADHD, or maybe just my age. Actually, that’s a lie. I do know why. I didn’t want to put forth the effort required to plan. I think I just got tired of celebrating myself. When I say celebrating myself, I don’t mean no one showed up. But I do mean the planning or figuring out what to do, communicating, and hoping people were available. But this year, 42, feels different. I feel a shift and want to celebrate it. I am choosing me!

This past year was hell. I can recall an overwhelming feeling of needing to cry for seemingly no reason. It was typically while the kids were at school and I was staring at my work computer or when it was almost physically impossible for me to get out of bed. Each morning I’d dread it. As soon as my feet hit the ground anxiety came pouring in. I can go even further and say the past decade was. Between my mental health taking a toll, selling my home, quitting my job…… there has been so much going on. So much uncertainty. If you would’ve asked me at 25 what I would be doing by 42, it definitely wouldn’t be this. But this is the road I chose. A road with many hills and bump, and not necessarily knowing what’s next, just leaping and trusting God. After all, I had to do something different because what I was doing before may have gotten some results but there was still a lack of fulfillment.

Like I said, this past year was hell for me. I worked a job I hated because I needed a paycheck. I would come home every day just miserable and exhausted with not much left to give the people who matter most to me. We ate out a lot, my kids became tablet kids. It was so much about survival, just trying to stay afloat mentally in whatever way possible. The depression got worse, anxiety made me feel antsy, and the ADHD was simply overwhelming. The mask was falling off and I had no control over it. I prayed for change and it came in a way I probably wasn’t really expecting. It feels like a setback, but I also have to think about change. It was time for a change, things may not have worked out as planned, however the plan wasn’t for me. It did not work with who I am. It was time to let go of who I thought I was supposed to be and become the woman I’m meant to be.

The growth over this past year is amazing to me because looking back I remember a time when I wanted that dark cloud to disappear. I remember feeling so down and trying my best to hold it all together because who would help me put the pieces together again? It felt like I had no one until I realized I did. One thing that never really changed was me trying to connect with God. I’d attended bedside baptist many times but it wasn’t until a sermon by Pastor Mike Jr that I realized I needed to get more serious about my relationship with God. I needed to really lean on Him (God) and trust instead of fearing being unstable so much that I thought the job or the title meant something more than it did. I learned that chasing a title instead of alignment almost cost my sanity. Especially when I never wanted to climb the corporate ladder. I’ve always wanted to be my own entity. I had to realize, I’m forcing things that just don't fit. I often told my friends that it felt as if I’m trying to push a square peg into a round hole. At this point I had to be honest with myself. I had to let go of fear, ego, and comfort. It was time I lived the phrase I always tell my kids, get comfortable being uncomfortable.

So what does 42 mean for me? It feels like a fresh start, where I can write my own story and not live the narrative society chooses for me. This chapter is about becoming her in all the ways I’ve neglected in the past. It’s more self-care, it’s making sure I’m good so that I can be good to those around me. It’s about removing the mask that has been so heavy to carry. It’s about learning what Tamia needs, establishing standards and boundaries. It’s about alignment, purpose, love, success (my own definition), and most importantly peace.

I used to feel like I was behind, like something was missing, and it was. I was trying to live in a lane not meant for me. I had to realize I’m not behind, I’m BECOMING.

Have you ever had a defining moment or year? What changed for you?