Where Did the Time Go? Memory Loss After Depression

Imagine this, your season of depression is beginning to end. The clouds are disappearing, you’re starting to feel lighter, you smile again. Now you are looking at life but realize you don’t really remember it. You know you lived it cause you’re still here but there is no actual memory that you can cling to. People in your life you should know, you don’t. They aren’t total strangers but these are people who you are close to and you can’t recall things that should be core memories. You start to wonder what happened? Was I present at all?

This is actually my lived experience. As I began healing I would try to look back and I had no memory. It was like I knew I was there but if I did remember it didn’t feel like my experience or I couldn’t recall the memory at all. There is actually a term for this, overgeneral autobiographical memory. This is when the brain has an inability to store or retrieve specific personal moments during and after depression. So once again, it’s not you there is a scientific reason behind it. Discovering this was comforting in a way but took time and grace to fully understand.

So what is actually happening in the brain during all of this? Let’s dive into the science of it all a little bit more. When you are depressed or chronically stressed, which I was, the memory center (hippocampus) shrinks making it harder to form and retrieve new memories. The brain also becomes biased, it holds on to the negative memories while not really acknowledging the positive ones.

I remember during my depression, me and my boyfriend got into it! He said I was there but I wasn’t really there. This kind of explains how the brain and memory works. You simply exist in this space but there is nothing of substance. So to loved ones, it may seem like you don’t care or are absent minded meanwhile you’re struggling to exist let alone be cognizant of your surroundings. If you aren’t all the way there, how can you expect any memories to stick?

This brings me to after the depression lifts. You start to feel better but everything that has happened in your brain doesn’t just reverse. And this is why learning about mental health is important. People, including myself, assumed that once depression lifts then all is well but there is more to deal with on the other side as well. It goes beyond just the depression years. I remember not being able to recall memories from childhood. I remember in therapy they would ask if my childhood was good and to be honest it was blank but since I couldn’t remember anything significant I just said yes. Then I would try to remember raising my oldest and it too was blank. Thank God for pictures, they helped but many times it was blank. I still have problems remembering things, people, places. But I feel better knowing it was something out of my control and I’m not a bad person for forgetting.

I mentioned earlier how my boyfriend noticed I wasn’t there and this really affected our relationship. I do remember thinking that this isn’t me but at the same time I couldn’t even remember who I was. This can cause conflict because you forget conversations, specific details about loved ones and to them it comes off as if you don’t care when in reality you actually care so much. Shame can also come with this. There were things I didn’t remember about my best friend until it was said and I felt too embarrassed to even let her know because if we’re best friends this is one thing I should know. An example is buying birthday gifts. When I buy gifts I try to personalize it so no gift cards but something that is them. I couldn’t recall anything, it was just blank so I ended up just getting a gift card but I didn’t love it. This is an example of how it can harm relationships. Did this happen in any of your relationships, romantic or otherwise?

This experience has taught me a lot. The one thing I’ve learned is I wasn’t failing, I was surviving. During depression, the brain goes into protection mode and it works so hard to protect that the other things like memory goes by the wayside. It’s not a character flaw, it’s just a time where brain fog was real but the good thing is you survived it. You survived to create new memories with your loved ones.

So, now what? Are your memories lost forever? The science says some memories may never return but many can, especially with time and support.There are tools to help, continuing therapy. Therapy probably helped you to get over the hill, don’t stop it now, continue if this is a real concern. Another thing is to journal. Think of it as capturing the moments in your own voice. Then you can reference it should this happen again. You can also take many pictures. I look at this like freezing time in place. When you want to try and remember and it’s not there a picture may say the words your brain can’t at the time. Another tool is to talk to people who know you. They can bring those memories back. I often find myself remembering when someone mentions something from my past and then the picture starts to form. Lastly and most important thing is to give yourself grace. You have gone through a great ordeal and probably put up a hell of a fight to come back. What you went through didn’t happen overnight so don’t think healing is overnight. It takes time.

Learning that the reason my memory was failing me was not my fault brought some relief. But if I’m honest the shame didn’t disappear. How can you feel both relief and shame, it’s contradictory but it’s common and it’s okay. What is most important is that we now can name this experience and understand the cause. It’s not your fault or mine. Remember during this journey to Feel. Heal. Speak.

Did you experience any memory loss during or after depression? Share your story.