Healing Journey

I’ve given you a few pieces of me so far. Things I’ve discovered about myself while on my healing journey. I think I may be ready to take it a little deeper.

My current state right now is survival mode. I’m stuck in it and not really sure how to get out. I know therapy will help me but it feels like it’s taking sooooooo long. I have good days but those are few and far between. Like with anything, I am always seeking answers or looking to learn something so knowing that my current condition isn’t good for my health I decided to try and learn a little bit more about it.

What is Survival Mode

Survival mode happens when a person is under prolonged stress. Some symptoms or ways to tell if you are in survival mode as listed by The London Psychiatry Centre are:

a) a sense of ongoing stress,

b) difficulty making decisions,

c) poor short-term memory,

d) mood swings,

e) trouble sleeping,

f) a sense of numbness or dissociation,

g) a lack of motivation,

h) poor eating habits.

Typically, it’s normal for the body to enter survival mode. It’s our body’s way of protecting us however to remain in survival mode for a prolonged time is not. When this happens it not only affects our mind but also our bodies. Things begin to happen like high blood pressure, less sleep and eating more or less than normal to name a few.

How I got stuck in survival Mode

I think I initially entered survival mode after my second baby was born. Which of course is normal, there’s a lot of change that happens. But I recall feeling under constant stress. I breastfed and was always worried my milk would dry up. This worry made me not even want to be away from my baby if I didn’t have to.

On top of a baby, my oldest was in dance…competitive dance. If any of you have ever been a dance moms you know this takes a lot of time and money. Enters the stressor of time. At times, I would have to leave work, pick up the baby, get my oldest, take her to dance, come home, prepare dinner, pick up the oldest and get the baby ready for bed and then do it all over again. This was Monday through Thursday and then dance was all day on Saturdays which was a little reprieve.

As I mentioned, being a dance mom was a lot of time and money. Money probably has always been a trigger for me but this was an added stress. I had to pay her monthly tuition for dance, buy costumes ( which were more expensive than your regular recital costumes), buy dance shoes and tights.

You may ask, “Where was Dad to help?” Dad helped with tuition however we split it and I had to pay up front and later be reimbursed so I had to be sure I always had it ready when needed.

The Breaking Point: Job Stress and Burnout

The tip of the iceberg was my job. We had just completed merging my department and with it my workload tripled. My voicemail would be full by noon and I would get maybe 100 emails a day. Then came the complaints. I needed help but wouldn’t ask ( you can find out more about my issues with seeking help here). Long story short, I felt like if at work, I asked for help, I would be looked at as incompetent. How am I struggling doing this job when others were doing it before me?

Still in Survival Mode in 2025

It is now 2025, and I had my daughter in 2016, and I am still stuck in survival mode. I think even worse now than before. I have had periods of relief but it was minor, like I took a leave from work. So that was one load I was able to put down but I was still juggling the others.

I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself. It’s caused me to isolate myself, i’ve lost myself. I’m not sure where I fit in this world anymore. I’m not sure who I am anymore. Even today, it’s a struggle to find my place in friendships, in relationships, at work. That kind of adds to the struggle of getting out of chronic survival mode.

Coping with Survival Mode: What I’m Trying

One of the ways to get out of survival mode per the Calm App is to limit stressors. That’s easier said than done when your daily life feels like a stressor.

Another recommendation is to practice self care. I’m not sure how self care will work for me because I haven’t quite figured out what allows me to relax. The thing that most say is self care to me is just another thing on my to do list so it doesn’t really feel like self care. At one point I was in really bad shape that I considered going to a facility, shock therapy or something because I really felt stuck and like I was going to break.

The obvious goal is to come out of survival mode and I am trying but at times it feels like an endless battle. I know therapy can help. I’m also making a big move soon that will hopefully help reduce some of my stress. I’m also trying to spend more time with friends. I’ve really isolated myself and it’s hard to find where I fit in sometimes. I know I said that before it’s true and part of the reason I don’t do anything now.

Looking Ahead

I’ll update you maybe a year from now when survival mode is a thing of the past. If you’re in this place too, know you’re not alone. Healing takes time. But we’re still here. Still trying.