Unmasked - What Fear is Teaching Me About Success

The 9-5 grind, the American dream, seems appealing to most but not to me. Even as a kid it felt like being caged in, so how did I end up here? My younger self saw power suits, corner offices as something to aspire to be or the idea of it inspired me. I mean that’s what we saw on TV, the big executive making boss moves. That was the vision of success, I thought I had to climb the corporate ladder. Today, the thought of it nauseates me. So, what happened…..fear. Well, there are other factors too but let’s focus on the fear.

How Society Reinforces Fear

Societal norms often force us on a path that may not be for us. It tells you to go to college, get good grades, land a job but hat may not be for everyone. I don’t regret going to school and getting my degree, but I do regret the path taken after. If a person doesn’t want to work a 9-5 the assumption is you just want to lay around and be “lazy”. Most times (I can’t speak for everyone), that is even further from the case. Part of my journey to healing requires me to look at my whole self first and then peel back each layer. Realizing how much fear still holds me back, it prompted me to investigate how it affects our psyche. To my surprise there are quite a few ways fear gets in the way. I’ll briefly describe each one:

The Four Types of Fears

1. Jonah Complex – This is the fear that keeps us from “self-actualization”. Coined by Abraham Maslow, this fear causes us to underachieve and can at times be confused with imposter syndrome. You want to be great and reach your potential but you self-sabotage. You worry about sustaining it all.

2. Normopathy - This fear pushes the individual to conform to societal norms. Another way to look at it is an abnormal impulse to be “normal”. This occurs even if it being normal doesn’t align with who you are.

3. Fear of Negative Evaluation (FNE) - This fear is pretty much what it sounds like, but for a clear definition, CBE - Life Sciences Education defines it as a sense of dread associated with being negatively judged in a social situation. Social Anxiety. This is probably one of the more known associations with fear.

4. Psychical Inertia - This fear is the urge to resist change. It can be rooted in fear of failure or simply wanting to stay in your comfort zone.

How Fear Shows Up in My Life

Initially, Psychical Inertia drove me down the 9-5 path. As of late, I think I’ve drifted more so towards the Jonah Complex. Thoughts that often creep in my head include: What happens after I meet this goal? How do I sustain this drive or this life I’ve created? It’s also not just material success like a business, it’s deeper. As I’ve been building my relationship with God there is a fear to maintain that growth. What if I get here and then fall, how do I sustain? Because even though God gives us grace, my brain fixates on perfection and if even one thing goes wrong then it’s ruined.

Why Play it Safe

I had my first kid at 22 and that responsibility drove me to conform. With this little person depending on me, failure wasn’t an option, so I played it safe. I was already in school when I had her, the focus was graduating and providing. Looking back, I wish I would have taken the risk. I think I’d be much better off now. Making the decision to conform all those years ago has caused frustration now and makes my reality hell at times. I feel like I am forcing a square peg into a round hole. In some way or another, fear has kept me from not only reaching my potential but being authentically me and I only have myself to blame.

What I’m Choosing Now

I’ve repeated the phrase to myself and my kids “get comfortable being uncomfortable.” That’s how I plan to overcome my fear. I must first recognize what it is, name it and sit in it. This is why I'm writing this. I am discovering myself, the good, bad and ugly. Fear is ugly, it keeps you stuck even if you want to move. There is no growth in comfort, and I will keep reminding myself of that. I will also remind myself of all the wins, no matter how small. Even if I fail, it’s not failure, it's a lesson. I can teach my kids these things as well, but I must also demonstrate them.

Get comfortable being uncomfortable.