Unmasking High Function Depression

Introduction

Mental health is often misunderstood, especially in the black community. We are so used to being in survivor mode that we don’t realize it’s really a struggle. We’ll downplay how we feel because we are coping or found some way to cope. For an example, my fellow weed smokers, it’s an escape from reality and a way to calm the body down because this isn’t something we learned how to do growing up.

For me, my reality didn’t match how I felt. I smiled, laughed, the outside appeared to be normal but the inside was turmoil. I feel delusional because it seems as though this is normal but deep down I know that it isn’t. After years of feeling like this I finally decided to try and get myself some help and what I’ve learned along the way has made me a major advocate for mental health. Especially for my black and brown community where we’ve either had to do more with less or be more just to get the crumbs we receive.

Because of the grind mentality our community has, mental health was never really looked at as real. We were told to pray about it, or the famous ain’t nothing wrong with you, which led us to not trust what we feel or think that what we feel is normal. It’s not. I’m still on my healing journey but here’s how it’s gone so far.

Failure

Your cup has a drop left and you are trying to mom, succeed at worker and keep your house in order but in each category something goes wrong. This ongoing feeling made me feel like I was failing at life. I was struggling to keep up, struggling to survive.

At some point I realized that I may have high functioning depression which is described as: experiencing depressive symptoms such as fatigue, anhedonia, poor concentration, guilt, restlessness, sleep disturbances, and appetite changes without experiencing a lack of functioning or significant distress. This description comes from the National Library of Medicine.

On the outside, I was holding it all together. You’d be surprised at how functional depression can look. I didn’t display the more common symptoms of depression. Every day I got out of bed, got the kids ready, went to work, came home and did it all over again.

What was missing in that is the little mishaps that began to happen like forgetting important things, operating on auto pilot so I was there but I wasn’t really present. My partner noticed it at the time but the criticism felt more like I was failing. Part of me knew that this isn’t me but at the time I had no evidence to support this because this had become the new normal.

I ended up chalking it up to stress. That's the one thing I was sure of, my life was stressful and that wasn’t going to change so maybe I could get some help dealing with the stress but boy was I surprised with how things unfolded.

First Trip to Therapy

My job offered EAP (more than likely your job too, so look into it) and I decided to go through them for some free therapy sessions. I remember it like yesterday—I sat down and she asked me to tell her why I was seeking therapy and the tears rolled down uncontrollably. I believe I cried for 45 minutes of our 50-minute session. I didn’t realize how much I had been holding in until that moment.

During the last 5 minutes we spoke a bit and scheduled the next appointment. After a few appointments I decided that therapy wasn’t helping and maybe I was just this person. That often happens when people first seek out therapy: if it doesn’t work, they give up.

Pandemic

In 2020, the world faced an unprecedented time (how many times have we now heard this word)? The world shut down and we were home. I was home with 2 kids all day everyday, a 13-year-old and a 4-year-old.

I initially thought this is great—there’s no rushing out the house to do morning drop offs or pickups. I felt more in control. But at some point I hit a wall. I was still struggling trying to figure out what was wrong with me mentally. I was having panic attacks that I hid, all while wearing this mask of having it all together for my kids and to not have the pity from other people. This added to the exhaustion and isolation I already felt.

I decided to seek therapy again and this time I opted for a Black female therapist. And there it was… validation. As a single mom I was doing a lot, actually I was doing it all, and my therapist confirmed that what I was feeling was real.

Not One Size Fits All

Therapy isn’t one size fits all. Like I said earlier, my first therapist didn’t work out and it was discouraging. This may be the same for you, the first therapist you see may not be a good match and that’s okay.

I was in talk therapy for awhile but I noticed it no longer served my purpose. One good thing that came out is I was encouraged to seek treatment with a psychiatrist to determine if medication would help. I was nervous about starting medication but it actually helped so much.

Now that the medication is flowing I knew I needed to dig deeper. I decided to enter an outpatient program because for me it felt as if I was at my breaking point and there was no one to put the pieces back together. I needed support, support that my family couldn’t give me.

The program helped in ways I didn’t imagine. It first took me away from one of my biggest stressors and it started to provide me with tools to use along my healing journey. One tool is mindfulness. This is hard for me because I am always on the go and I'm not aware of what’s actually affecting me. Using mindfulness allows me to become present ( remember I said before I just wasn't there) and notice the things around me. It made me pause in which was helpful so I could identify what I'm feeling and what's making me feel this way.

After graduating from the program, I started with a new therapist because again, for me, I knew that I needed something different. We are at the beginning of our relationship and I feel like this will work.

Closing Thoughts

Feeling off is good—it means you are mindful of your body and emotions and feel like you need to act. It’s not a character flaw. It’s important that you listen to that and not what society tells you.

You don’t have to accept feeling weighed down every day as normal. It’s not normal to want to run away from your life, it’s not normal to feel like you have to wear a mask everyday to survive. These were the feelings I felt at one time or another (and sometimes all at the same time).

Are you tired of wearing your mask? Your healing journey may not look like mine but it is a journey—and you must start with being honest with yourself.