He Didn’t Kiss Me and I Almost Ended the Relationship: Understanding RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)

By Tamia Thompson | Unmasked Conversations

Here’s a simple situation: your guy comes home as usual, walks through the door, puts his bag down — but one thing changes. He doesn’t give you a kiss. While this is a small missed gesture, you notice it. You try to shake it off but you can’t. Your brain has now jumped off the side of a cliff and assumed that he no longer loves you. Now you’re upset, like ready to say “fuck it” and end the relationship. I mean, why stay together if he no longer loves you? Why is he pretending?

This is an example of RSD — Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

What Is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)?

The working definition of RSD is a person experiencing extreme emotional pain due to failure or rejection (Cleveland Clinic). This is the inability to regulate your emotions. At first, from the outside you may think that this person is too sensitive or overreacting — but it’s not that simple. It’s a very real feeling that may cause them to overreact in the moment.

This condition is usually linked to other mood or personality disorders such as ADHD, PTSD, and more.

The Brain Science Behind RSD and ADHD

I have to get a little geeky but I’ll try to keep it as plain as I can. In our brain, the prefrontal cortex controls emotions, decision making, and self-control. This part of the brain is the last to mature and doesn’t fully develop until our 20s.

So how does this tie into ADHD and RSD? In people with ADHD, the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala have an atypical connection. Because of this, emotions are experienced more intensely. So it’s not an overreaction — it’s a reaction that they can’t control.

How Does RSD Show Up in Everyday Life?

We overreact to neutral events — like the missed kiss in our opening example. We will often pull away before we can be rejected.

I was once in a relationship, but I wasn’t all the way in the relationship. I was on edge anticipating that it would end. I assumed I’d end up hurt like I had before. So I hurt myself and probably him — because even though I loved him dearly (still do), my actions did not show that. Self-preservation. I know how much it hurts to have my heart broken and I did not want to feel that again.

Pain like that with RSD is much more painful than a neurotypical person can imagine. We build a wall to protect us and stay on high alert, always anticipating when that rejection will come.

A Personal Example: The Barbershop Incident

Let me give you one more example — and it’s another personal one. One day there was a guy I was dealing with. Typically he would cut his own hair, but one day he went to the barbershop and with that he had “something to do.” That was way too vague for me. Before he could even leave, I had already assumed he was going out with another girl and didn’t really want to be with me anymore. I blocked him without so much as a conversation.

After a few days I calmed down and realized how ridiculous I was being. This was the final straw that made me look more into my ADHD and RSD.

As you begin to learn more about any condition and how it affects you or your brain, you start to learn different ways to handle it. You have to determine what is fact and what is the gap your brain decided to fill in.

What Can You Do If You Have RSD?

Going forward, what can we do to help ourselves? We can’t make everyone responsible for what goes on in our own head.

The biggest thing is: don’t assume. Ask the question to fill in the blank before your brain has a chance to. You can also communicate with those close to you. While not making them responsible, you can let them know you need them to be direct — because if not, you will make your own assumptions and they won’t be positive.

I like to journal. It helps me get the things out of my head and onto paper, where I can sometimes see how ridiculous I’m being.

You Are Not Alone — and You Don’t Have to Stay Stuck

I know many people may have noticed themselves in these stories. I want you to recognize that what you feel is real, and it may very well be due to your brain’s connection. Recognize that — and then do something about it.

Don’t live in fear or shame, and don’t suffer in silence. Seek help. Find a trusted confidant to help you work through those assumptions. I’m here to try and normalize the many things we hide because we feel we are the only ones. I too was ashamed once upon a time — but now I’m here to live out loud.

Do you have any stories of how you jumped off the edge? Drop them in the comments — let’s talk about it.

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