Unmasking The Martyr; My Journey Through Codependency

I was recently in a therapy session where she gave me homework; investigate codependency. She said I may have an issue with that. Of course, my first thought was how. My knowledge of codependency was just one type. Probably the type you also are familiar with: The Enabler. Little did I know that there were different forms or types of codependency? But before we even get into the different forms, let’s look at the definition of codependency. Mental Health America defines codependency as: “an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.”

As I stated previously, the enabler is probably the most known, it’s the person who helps the alcoholic or gets the drugs for the drug addict. In this article by Optimum Joy, they state that the Enable facilitates or allows harmful behavior and it is out of sense of misguided love. But there are 3 other types: The Controller, The People-Pleaser, The Martyr. After reading the previously mentioned article I discovered I may have a codependency as well and that is the Martyr.

Realizing this struck a deep chord in me. It wasn’t just information, it was personal. That’s when I started to reflect on the reason for starting this blog. I wanted to work on removing my mask and with that helping others to also feel safe to remove their mask as well. Every day we walk around sometimes happy other times fighting to appear happy while fighting a silent battle. I was tired of fighting the silent battle and wanted to finally feel something other than dread each day.

So, let’s dive deeper into the Martyr codependency type. In another article by Forbes it describes the Martyr as someone who “consistently sacrifices their own needs for the benefit of others, often neglecting their well-being to maintain the relationship. This dynamic is marked by one-sided effort, where the martyr takes on excessive responsibility while the beneficiary grows dependent on their sacrifices. Reading that smacked me dead in the face because it describes me to a tea. Especially in my relationships. If you complain to me one time about money or time or something, I’ll make a mental note and when an issue comes up instead of me reaching out, I’ll take on the burden and figure it out. For example, if you must work all the time, instead of setting a boundary or expectation that they have also have a responsibility in providing care as well, instead I’d take on that additional responsibility and shoulder the load even though I know I couldn’t carry it. I did this with my child’s oldest father and with the youngest too. I took on the huge load of parenting because I didn’t want to burden them. I also had convinced myself early on that my kids were MY responsibility, and I wouldn’t force anyone to do what I thought they should know they needed to do. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like they were partying or anything like that instead of handling their responsibility but at the same time since they knew I would handle it I think they just assumed they would do what they could when they could. In hindsight, I should have spoken up, set boundaries but if I’m honest, part of me felt like if I couldn’t handle this, I was a failure. So, shouldering the load was a badge of honor and something I continuously tried to prove to myself I could do.

Now knowing there are different types of codependency, my next step is to find out where does codependency come from, specifically the Martyr type. According to an article in Psychology Today, they say it most likely developed in childhood. In fact, it may have even been encouraged by your family, culture or religious practices. It further went on to describe a family where the parent loses their temper and yells at the kid. The kid starts to cry and instead of providing comfort, the parent begins to cry and makes it about herself saying things like “I’m such a terrible parent” or “I never do anything right” When this happens the kid comforts the parent and never get their needs met. If this happens over and over it becomes a pattern that likely continues into adulthood. Can I remember something like this happening to me as a kid, no. But to be honest, my memory of my childhood is almost nonexistent. I remember some things but not most. But that’s a story for another time.

How to heal or overcome the Martyr syndrome? From another article in Psychology Today, It states healing from codependency requires getting to know yourself. We spend so much time thinking and taking care of others, we lose touch with ourselves. We must learn to express our needs. To be honest, if we’ve been sacrificing self, we deserve for our needs to be met as well and if they can’t maybe we may need to reconsider that relationship. Psychology Today also says set boundaries. I’ll be super honest; I struggle to set boundaries. With my kids, family, people I’m in a relationship with. My boundaries prior didn’t exist. I am working on getting better. The last thing is to recognize we have choices. Like I stated before, if our needs can’t be met then we deserve to find a space where it is equal. Where we can feel as if we are cared for just as much as the care we give.

When my therapist first told me to look into codependency, I didn’t think I’d find much that that I would align with. I was shocked to learn different. As I am venturing into healing, learning myself and becoming happy there are many parts of the journey I am sure I will find difficult. Am I scared of it, absolutely but in this life, I deserve to be happy, my kids deserve a happy mom and I’m fighting for it. I started this journey thinking codependency was one thing and now I know it’s more complex. I also know that self-awareness is the first step towards healing.