Unmasking - Why is it so Hard to Ask for Help
6/6/20253 min read
Why is it so hard to ask for help
Why is it so hard to ask for help? This is definitely something I struggle with. To be honest, I know it’s not good, yet I still struggle. Somewhere along this life of mine, I decided I would wear this superwoman cape and insist I could do everything myself. This became my crutch, and because of it, I’ve suffered. I think it even made me isolate myself.
So why do I struggle to ask for help? After reading a few articles, I came to the conclusion that for me, low self-esteem is the reason why. For you, it could be totally different.
There are varying reasons for why we find it difficult to ask for help. The Harvard Business Review lists the reason as:
The fear of being vulnerable
The need to be independent
The fear of losing control
The fear of rejection
Over Empathizing with others
A sense of victimhood
As I read through these, most of these felt like they described me perfectly, in one way or another. The fear of being vulnerable definitely rang true. As I stated before, I would wear my superwoman cape and think I can handle anything. I may have even given off the impression that I could, but the truth is, I was often pouring from a very empty cup.
I thought that I should have it all together. I was raising kids, working, not to mention dealing with COVID and slowly, I was dying on the inside yet instead of asking for help I kept saying I can do this. I’m supposed to be able to do this. So I stayed silent and suffered. I didn’t want to appear weak, less than or like I couldn’t handle life. Everyone else made it look so easy.
Many of the reasons I listed regarding vulnerability overlap with the need to be independent. I had to be Superwoman, so at the end of the day, I can say I did it. It was a big F you to the people who weren’t there. The people who didn’t ask, even thought they should have done more.
It felt like I was doing everything alone. The responsibility of getting kids up and ready for school, helping with homework, getting them to extracurricular activities, paying for extracurricular activities. For the most part, I did that and even in times when it was overwhelming.
I didn’t ask for help.
I’ll just do it myself.
Miss Independent.
Even though it was breaking me.
Then there’s the control issues and the trust issues. I never wanted anyone to throw the help back in my face or hold it over my head.
On the flip side, it’s one of those things when you ask for help, and people help you the way they want to and not the way you need. Then you have to try and explain why your way works for you. They don't understand. Then the help is no help after all. So I end up doing it alone anyway or redoing it or worse let it sit there and do nothing.
Of all the reasons listed on why I won’t ask for help, the real reason is not wanting to seem vulnerable. I struggle with vulnerability and letting people in deep. There’s an insecurity there and also a need to prove that I can do it. Who am I proving it to? I have no clue, but it’s amazing how little seeds planted in the past grow and blossom. When I had my first daughter, I can remember being told how hard it would be and how I would fail.
Instead of accepting that fate, I told myself I would do it alone if need be. That is probably the birthplace of my not wanting or asking for help, even though I need it at times. I’m sure it’s not fair to the people who actually want to help. I’ve built this mentality that I myself alone have to do it.
So now that I know that I have this issue how do I fix it?
How do I let the vulnerable show, the insecurity go, and just ask for help when needed? According to an article titled “Overcoming the Barriers to Seeking Help” by Mukund Tumkur, he lists a few:
Normalize asking for help
Cultivate Self-Awareness
Build A Supportive Network
Address the fear of judgment
Encourage professional support
I’ve already accomplished #2 and #5. I understand I suck at asking for help and even understand why, and I am currently in therapy weekly.
Next is to address the fear of judgment, and that is something I’ll have to work through. I definitely have to work on being more vulnerable.
So if you’re like me, and struggle to ask for help, even though you are drowning there are solutions. Hopefully, I can work through my issue rather quickly, but time will tell.