When Hope Hurts
What happens when hope hurts? I'm getting honest about losing my dad, losing my home, and what it really costs to keep trusting God when everything in you wants to stop. This is the messy middle.
7/12/20262 min read
I recently went through a major life change, sold my home and moved in with my brother. I felt like I needed to have a hard reset. “From Scratch” is the message I heard from God. The problem with starting from scratch is that you’re literally starting completely over and with that comes a lot of emotions. Some emotions are positive like the excitement of building something new. Then there’s the negative, that messy middle where you’re trying to build a new life. An authentic life that allows you to be free but there’s no guide, no cushion, no upper hand. You have to climb from the bottom. You try to remember why you started and you feel like you’ll be here forever but just as quick as that thought comes it leaves, and you’re back trying to hope, trying to keep the faith in something that will never come.
What happens when that hope never comes to fruition? How does it affect you? For me, it made me stop living and expecting good things. As I think about the catalyst for this, I can tie is all back to when my dad died. I remember being in the hospital chapel praying hard for him to make it. I was mentally preparing for me to move back in with him so I could take care of him. Even though my gut told me one thing, I prayed and had faith for a different outcome. And that didn’t happen. He never made it back home. I was crushed, I thought I did everything I was supposed to do. I asked God and trusted Him but I was let down. After this, over time it felt like it became a pattern. It doesn’t matter how hard you have faith and hope for something, you start to believe it will never come.
Most will say well that’s when faith comes in. but when you feel like life gives you blow after blow, you start to lose faith. Prayers to God are far and few between, you try to take control and steer the ship because at least now you can see where you are going. You decide no more will you keep hitting icebergs, now you can avoid them when necessary. In my life it looked like being safe. Going against my gut and at times taking the easy route. If I failed or fell, I wanted to be as close to the ground as possible. Unfortunately, that’s not how faith works. Having faith means believing what you can’t see. It can hurt, to try and have faith that things will work out. It can be exhausting to walk in faith. I feel defeated in my journey yet something in me can never let it completely go.
This is why the messy middle can be where hope lives or dies. I won’t lie and say it gets easier because honestly, I’m still not sure it does. But I’m learning to trust my gut again and my gut tells me that it will so I try to lean into that. Maybe hope feels close for you or out of reach, both feelings are okay. What’s important is that you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling so that it can pass. You don’t have to perform faith, God is there with you even if you don’t feel it. Where are you right now in your journey of hope
